I am an emotional whirlwind and am taking huge steps to heal the inner child.
My reality has always been that I just wanted to be loved. Loved without considering the cost of myself. I sacrificed myself and devalued myself for the sake of being loved.
I went to a dance class with a social dancing event afterward. Immediately upon arriving, I felt awkward and alone – but I stayed anyway. I love dancing so much that it hurt being there where I felt so lost and I couldn’t bear the pain.
I left to be alone in my pain, for not fitting in and being so damn socially awkward. I cried for my “little me” that had been neglected and abandoned. I cried because of the people that made fun of me because I didn’t have parents as they did. I cried about the need to make up stories and lying to fit in.
I apologized to “little me” for not telling anyone when I was molested or when I was raped and held it all inside.
I cried for “little me” who wanted to be praised for good grades and instead was told she is stupid and wouldn’t become anything. I cried for “little me” who hurt her little brother telling her she is forgiving. I cried for the teenager cast away to another foster home only to find solace in alcohol and drugs.
It was the kind of cry you know when your heart has truly been broken. And in the morning I was still feeling the pain and I continue to cry because this release of all this pent-up crap has made it to the surface. I wrote a letter to “little me” so I could be on the journey to healing
Dear little Petra,
I love you. I love your eccentricity, love for life and empathy and compassion for humankind. I love that you are different playing with Lego’s and cards instead of dolls and doing those crazy stunts on your bicycle at the park down the street.
I love your writing because it is filled with provoking thoughts and passion as well as your art – what a talent you have.
Little Petra, please allow yourself to trust me. I only have the best intentions for you and don’t want you to get hurt. What happened to you was not your fault so don’t let it dampen your light – instead shine because of it.
When your parents couldn’t give you what you needed, it was in your best and highest interest to be in a place and space better suited for you. When the 1st foster home no longer served your needs because you were too normal – you went to be with a family that wanted to love you. Perhaps it was a lesson to be learned from them that even though life was mostly good, at times it was bad. It was never their intentions to hurt you but anger does funny things to people. Anger stops people from truly loving another person. Their heart was full of the love of their children and anger perhaps towards all the parents that couldn’t do what they did. Forgive them and forgive yourself, little Petra.
Petra, you are not a bad person and when the foster family released you it was because they didn’t know how to help you. Counseling in the ’80s wasn’t the norm. Petra know this, you were meant to cross path with everyone you met because you could meet amazing people who believed in you. They believed in you for being a good friend and your amazing smarts you keep hiding so well. I mean who fails school one year but then excels to graduate on top? You do, of course.
Little Petra, it is okay to love and be loved. You will shine the light to help others heal and guide them on their own journeys of self-discovery. Trust me little Petra because I will guide you there. You are amazing, funny, smart, caring and a shining light in the darkness.
All my love,
The Adult You
And something I learned since that day, it’s never too late for healing my inner child. It will leave you raw but to fully step into yourself, that rawness is required so you can put a stop to those that are trying to dampen your light.