I don’t have a coming out story. And that makes me a lucky and blessed person. That doesn’t mean I didn’t experience conflict.
When I was 13 my best friend kissed me and something clicked. Something that I needed to explore.
I acknowledged I was bi-sexual in my late teens but not after my own internal struggle. And then it just always was. I’ve never hidden it. I’ve also not ever made a huge deal out of it. It just always was. And
I think part of me not making an issue about it is that growing up in foster care, I didn’t have the same worries and concerns as everyone else. And I was already different than my peers. I never felt like I had to explain myself to anyone about who I was attracted to or in a relationship with. And maybe because I was in Europe I didn’t have the same worries and concerns about my sexuality.
But in my marriage, it was a totally different story and it led to conflict. I didn’t acknowledge early on that I was bi-sexual back then. I was facing many other internal demons that pushed it to the background. When I was coming out to him, it was met with challenges I didn’t anticipate.
It made me aware that I needed to be more transparent about it so that it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. And even though I told my current partner in the very beginning, that too had its own mountain that took some climbing.
But then it’s so much more than that for me – I am bigender and it’s been my own struggle to identify this for myself. It’s like you’re having a conversation, looking for a word and you can’t think of it. But the moment you find that word, there is that sense of relief in a way. I lean towards being masculine a lot but do have my moments where the feminine takes over. It’s never a decision I make with full awareness, it just is. One moment I am more feminine and the next I am not. It’s a fluid motion where I don’t see the line – I don’t see where one begins and one ends.
And let me share with you that people over the years have told me to be more feminine – wear makeup, dresses and by sexy lingerie – and I will gracefully decline. Those things are not my jam. They don’t make me feel good or sexy – they make me feel forced into someone/something that I am not. I love my jeans and tank tops and unkempt hair and no makeup face.
And yet, when I do share that I am bi-sexual there are still a lot of assumptions and stigma that you face when you are coming out.
- I can’t be faithful to my partner.
- If I am in a heterosexual relationship, am I really bi?
- So you’re into threesomes and orgies?
- I’m just confused and it’s a phase.
- Being excluded because I am not gay or straight enough.
I’ve been blessed with friends who never asked me those questions or made assumptions about this. I’ve been able to talk about this in an open and honest way.
Of course, I lost friends over time and I won’t pretend that some people will choose to not be part of my circle, write for The Rebels Den or attempt to get to know the real me. That’s not on me though. I can only be who I am every second of the day. I don’t have room or time to pretend to be something or someone different.
If you are struggling with coming out, having support, you’re not alone. We are here to support you. Reach out and connect!
June is Pride Month – to learn more about it’s origins click here
If you’re local to Charlottesville and surrounding area, check out cvillepride.org
GLAD – let’s create a just society free of discrimination based on gender identity and expression, HIV status, and sexual orientation.
The LGBT National Help Center – provides vital peer-support, community connections, and resource information to people with questions regarding sexual orientation and/or gender identity
No one is asking for understanding when you’re not in the space to do so but supporting and being an ally – now that is something we all could have a little bit more of.